It’s been a minute since I’ve written a blog post, but all is well! If you’ve been following me on Instagram, then you know that I’m currently in a season that I like to call “laying low and winning slow.” I’m growing past my insecurities and the strong need to conform to a world that I was born to be a light in, and patiently awaiting God’s timing on everything, while getting my business and family back into alignment.
NOW… LET’S KEEP IT 100
(because that was more like a cute IG caption)
I’M TIRED!!! Even after the vacation my family and I took a couple of weeks ago, I’m exhausted in every way. Being called to be a vessel by God, is HARD!!!. Especially when it’s something you didn’t ask for. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, I’m just sharing my truth about what social media has so convincingly made people think is a cakewalk; purpose.
Yes. I’m on an intentional journey to unbecoming, relearning and getting through my pain and into my God-given purpose. But that doesn’t mean that I was trying to be the spokesperson for it (at least not like this). Nor did I think I was qualified to do so. I just wanted to shift my legacy out of a dysfunctional cycle that I was once stuck in and into abundance, but God has other plans.
These last 2 years have been the most trying years of my life. I’ve never prayed, cried, or worshipped more than I have now. I knew that starting this intentional journey would bring about a few bumps in the road, but good Lord, I wasn’t ready!! Other than “taking care of kids” (my mentality 2 years ago), doing God’s work wasn’t an assignment that I ever saw myself stepping up to the plate for, for a couple of reasons:
I was too busy dissecting God’s plan for my life, pulling out what I wanted to do and leaving behind what I didn’t, instead of allowing Him to order my steps & use me.
The people who I thought were vessels for God, were either public successes, but private failures, or they were hit with obstacles left and right after they made that commitment to God.
You couldn’t have paid me to be a willing participant in any of that. As far as I was concerned, my life didn’t need any more drama.
I just wanted to follow God straight into my dream of owning a childcare facility, with a FEW lessons along the way, and get everything I ever prayed for. On MY time and terms. I wasn’t expecting to become an early childhood educator (my new mentality) and resource for parents who are ready to get through their pain but don’t know how to. My plan didn’t include me becoming more than the environment around me and past my broken mindset because I didn’t know that was possible. Being forced to deal with parts of myself that I wasn’t ready to heal, let alone address, wasn’t what I thought would get me to my next level. From the most groomed, to the dustiest parts of my soul, NOTHING has been off-limits along this journey.
Looking back on everything, I was so busy being comfortably uncomfortable and pretending to be where God wanted me to be that I began getting comfortable living in dysfunction again, even though I was on an intentional journey to find my happiness and purpose. It’s funny because I really use to think that happiness was wrapped up in purpose. But trust me, it’s not. God, joy, and fulfillment are the only things wrapped up in purpose.
YOU CAN’T ACCESS WHAT GOD SAID IT IS, UNTIL YOU LET GO OF WHAT YOU THOUGHT IT WAS.
My ignorance and unwillingness to be a real vessel for a purpose other than my own, caused me to doubt my God-given abilities, and lack the confidence I needed, to accomplish His purpose for my life. So what did I do? Ran to social media and attempted to rush God’s timeline for my life by conforming to the timeline society thinks a marriage, parent and “entrepreneur” should have. I use that term very loosely, because nowadays I don’t think people understand the true meaning of entrepreneurship, but I’ll save that for another post. Unknowingly, I traded in God’s purpose for my life, for what seemed like an “easier task” LOL, and I was completely wrong. So God has been checking my motives with a series of obstacles that are testing the very faith that I thought I had all along.
7 miscarriages within 20 months
Infidelity & the ten years worth of unresolved issues that are still lingering in my marriage
My kids battling through insecurities, addictions and mindset blocks
Business moves being delayed
Financial struggles from ANSWERED prayers (imagine that)
All while I’m still brushing off the residue of the dysfunction that was spilled onto me as a child. I use to ask myself how could God lead me out into the wilderness, leave me and allow the enemy to have his way. That was until I came across Matthew 4:1 while going through the 3rd miscarriage, earlier this year.
Here’s the full verse:
1 Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. 2 And after He had fasted forty days and forty nights, He then became hungry. 3 And the tempter came and said to Him, “If You are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread.” 4 But He answered and said, “It is written, ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.’ ” 5 Then the devil *took Him into the holy city and had Him stand on the pinnacle of the temple, 6 and *said to Him, “If You are the Son of God, throw Yourself down; for it is written, ‘He will command His angels concerning You’; and ‘On their hands they will bear You up, So that You will not strike Your foot against a stone.’ ” 7 Jesus said to him, “On the other hand, it is written, ‘You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.’ ” 8 Again, the devil *took Him to a very high mountain and *showed Him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory; 9 and he said to Him, “All these things I will give You, if You fall down and worship me.” 10 Then Jesus *said to him, “Go, Satan! For it is written, ‘You shall worship the Lord your God, and serve Him only.’ ” 11 Then the devil *left Him; and behold, angels came and began to minister to Him.
What was so powerful to me about this text, was the next heading right after this verse. Jesus Begins His Ministry. That’s when everything finally hit me. God’s using me for something bigger than what I could ever imagine, and it’s going to have an impact that’s unheard of. But there are a few things that I have to do.
Trust the process and the fact that He’s going to bring me through.
Move when God says to and not when I think I’m ready.
Choose whether I’m going to react or respond to the circumstances around me.
It can be so easy getting caught up in the noise of social media and what you think you should or even want to do, but God is all-knowing. He sees what we can’t and knows what’s coming next.
HE’S NOT SETTING ME UP! HE’S GROWING ME UP!
Growing me past my comfort zones and unwillingness to let Him lead. Allowing me to go through fiery situations, so I know it was not by my strength, but by His might and unchanging hand, that I made it out not looking like what I’d just been through.
He’s causing strangers to take notice of something I haven’t been able to fully grasp the concept of for myself and reach out to me for help and guidance. His glory is being manifested in every test that comes my way, and the things that I once viewed as losses, are now lessons and apart of my testimony. God is making me consistent, uncomfortable, and dependent upon Him, so I can fully walk on the path that He’s clearing, preparing and building me up for right now.
Had it not been for the situations I’ve overcome, I would not have the faith, perspective, patience, discipline, or willingness to continue along this journey.
I don’t know what’s next on this journey but I can tell you that it’s literally scaring all the fear, hell and doubt out of me. There are still times when I’m in my feelings instead of my wisdom and I want to throw in the towel, but it’s during those times that I remember I CAN do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. I just have to do it. As long as I stay obedient to God’s will, in His order, and in the lane He created me for, all is well. I’m done letting the process punk me out of the promises that God made me. This is bigger than me and I’ve gotta keep going.